Friday, August 16, 2013

The Difference Between (Trying to) Learn to Be a Dom and Learning the Roles

Oringinally written April 27, 2013

The BDSM community is ever growing and growing fast. With the release of the book 50 Shades of Gray and the fascination by the DD/lg dynamic here on Tumblr, you’re going to see more and more BDSM related blogs. You’re going to find a lot of newbies with little to no experience. With that being said, you’re also going to find a guy or gal who is looking into the lifestyle because their partner is into it, but they aren’t. While the community welcomes everyone to hop on in, get your kink on, and learn about the lifestyle, I think there is a big misconception.

With all the newcomers coming in, it’s only natural that you’d run into questions from people like, “How do I make my partner submissive or dominant?” “I want to be in a D/s relationship but I don’t think I have what it takes to be a dominant.” “How do I learn to be a Dom? My wife has an interest in BDSM and I want to fulfill her needs.”

Can you really learn to be a Dominant or submissive? Now you’re welcome to disagree, but Daddy and I were discussing the topic of “learning to be a dominant”. Daddy and I believe that being a Dominant or submissive is a mindset and a part of one’s personality. It is something that has been with you prior to your discovery of the lifestyle, but you may not have known the terms or that there was a community of people similar to you.

Maybe you had thoughts or fantasies of dominating someone in the bedroom and even outside of it. Maybe your mind has crossed over the idea that it would be nice to find a woman who would like to live a 1950’s lifestyle with you. Maybe you have naturally found yourself to be submissive in bed and fantasized about a man taking control of you with your consent. Perhaps you even want to have a man take control of certain other aspects of your life with mutual agreement on it. That’s natural. Or maybe you’re not into D/s at all, maybe you’re a Sadist or masochist or even just a kinkster and have found such topics appealing and want to give it a try.

Then you have the folks who come into the lifestyle because they hear it’s cool, edgy, or just have the complete wrong impression of it. You’ve ran into them. The “Dom” who thinks you owe him respect right off the bat. The “Dom” who thinks every sub is automatically his. The sub who wants nothing more than a man to give her all the pleasure she wants and needs but isn’t willing to return it: I’ll be submissive when it’s convenient for me.

There’s a difference. The former have the basic foundation and have potential. They may not be an official Dom or sub yet just because they've only had true interest in it but no experience. For them to pursue a D/s dynamic, it would feel natural once they accommodate into their respective places. No one is born knowing what it takes to be a proper Dom and that’s where refining comes in. They do the research, they read up, they join communities to learn what it’s like. They can learn how to bring out their dominant or submissive side. They can learn how to make themselves better as either. They can learn which D/s role they would prefer to take on: Master, Sir, Daddy, etc. The latter can always learn but not in the same way. They don’t have that foundation laid out for them. It is not naturally part of their personality. These people tend to be best at just keeping it a roleplay in the bedroom. They don’t have what it takes to carry on a 24/7 dynamic because for them, they would have to fake it almost. There’s nothing wrong with tops, bottoms, and kinksters though.

The bottom line is, you can learn to dominate, but I you can’t learn to be a Dominant.

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