Wednesday, September 18, 2013

BDSM Essentials

So as I mentioned a few days ago in a post, I joined Collarme. I joined as a Domme and have seen firsthand how ridiculous members of the site are. I've always heard about how the site like a meat market, full of scammers, and full of fake profiles. Considering it's more well known than Fetlife and has been around longer, I'm not surprised. Aside from those things mentioned, I've come across another big problem - the lack of understanding submission and D/s roles.
Let give you some examples:
image
This is actually only 3 messages out of the 35 pages of messages I have, most of them being similar to this. I've had some pretty scary ones similar to the last 3rd:
"OMG!! I want to die for you! i will hang myself. Maybe I can leave all my possessions and money to you! Do you want to watch? :) I will serve you in any way you want! I am serious! I am fat and bald and i know i am a loser that is why i will give toy my money and then hang myself!! :) :)"
I'm not even sure where to begin but I'll address the last 2 mentioned first. BDSM is meant to be safe, sane, and consensual. These messages and offerings to submit to me are not safe or sane. I don't see any pleasure in highly harming or disabling someone. I'm pretty sure it could get me in trouble with the law too, but clearly these people didn't think about that. Secondly, dying for someone to gain their attention or dominance is not cute and it shows that this person is not mentally stable enough to pursue a D/s dynamic. I highly suggest that people like this seek therapy and I pray that they don't find someone else who's interested in fulfilling their wishes.

Now that that's out of the way, I wanted to address the issues I mentioned before. I've (officially) been in the lifestyle for two and a half years now, I've been active in the Fetlife and Tumblr communities and no matter where I go, I still come across messages like the first two. It still baffles me that even on sites that revolve around the lifestyle, people still feel the need to send messages asking for ownership. You are in a website full of kinky people (kinksters, Doms, subs) who are looking for someone and you're going to tell me that you can't send a proper message? At least an introduction and statement about what you're looking for.
It's really important to make a good impression. If you're looking for someone and you're interested in them, you need to present yourself in an way that is honest and appealing to the other person's wants. This is why I'll never understand messages such as, "Can I be your Daddy?" or "Can I be your slave/pet/babygirl?" No, you can't because you couldn't even make the effort to get to know me, introduce yourself, and handle the situation maturely. How can I tell that we're even compatible? You're not 13 and this isn't Gaiaonline, a D/s dynamic is serious and if you can't handle it seriously, why should I consider you? As I've said before, you don't just go up to random people in everyday like and ask, "Will you be my boyfriend/girlfriend?" So why treat the lifestyle like it's completely different, especially on matching-making or social network sites that cater to that?
As I've also mentioned before, this is not a relationship revolving around the exchange of cute names. Have a Daddy or Master is not just a cute nickname your boyfriend or girlfriend carries in the bedroom. No, no, no D/s is a lifestyle and it goes far beyond the bedroom. Daddy says and I do. Servitude is so much more than fulfilling sexual needs. If you're not willing to have rules, serve, obey, learn, etc. then a D/s dynamic is not for you, and you're better off finding another kinkster who is fine with keeping such things strictly in the bedroom.
The other thing that I wanted to mention was the lack of understanding or seriousness around D/s roles. There is actually a difference between being a submissive and a slave due to the power exchange. A submissive (pet/babygirl/etc) still holds on to their basic rights, this is because there is not a total power exchange. The submissive has not given up all his/her right to the Dom, so they can still have a say in things. As a slave there is a total power exchange; the submissive has completely given up her rights and freewill to his/her Dom. They can no longer negotiate an order regardless how they feel about it.
As Master and slave dynamic is not something to take lightly and is not something that should be established overnight. You better know your Dom well and have gone over all of your interests and limits when the question of slave ownership comes up. And most importantly, you better have a lot of trust and faith in your Dom to completely give yourself to them in such a way.

8 comments:

  1. Very wise words..Yup!

    ReplyDelete
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  2. Very wise words..Yup!

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  3. This comment has been removed by the author.

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  4. I've been in & out of the scene for TWENTY SEVEN years now & this has not changed one BIT!! In all honesty, it's only gotten worse. Moderators on FB BDSM Groups don't even bother with basic communication skills-& they're the ones in control!!! it's mind-numbing. Getting fed up with the posers and fakers and BS artists is why I've been in & out of the scene.. it just gets old. & quick! It's a shame really. BDSM & all it's facets are such amazing experiences.... & then these nimrods who haven't bothered to read ONE ARTICLE but have spent countless hours watching Hogtied.com video clips.... Ugh. Kill me slowly....

    Thank you for writing this. It needed to be said!

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