Forgiveness is a hard concept for me. I understand it but I'm rarely capable of it during extreme situations. Perhaps it's because I have a hard time forgetting things and I tie the two things together, despite the fact that Daddy insists that they're two different things.
Daddy and I are not a perfect couple, but then again no couple is. Daddy has hurt me in the past with words and actions, often times letting his anger get the best of him. Both of us are rage machines. Have I forgiven him? I'd like to say yes, I mean I don't think about these offenses on a daily basis and hate Him... But when I do remember it during an argument, I have a bad case of bringing up the past and holding it over His head. Daddy is nothing like that though.
When kitten was still around, I had a really hard time forgiving her after she cheated on Daddy. What bothered me the most about it was her pathetic excuses for cheating, that made no sense. And while I didn't personally know the other Master that she was involved with, when approaching him to get the full story, I was told that she told him that she wasn't owned and had never been owned. At that point Daddy and kitten had already been together for a year and were very much a Master/pet dynamic so it really pissed me off. I saw it as a slap in His face, their relationship, and their power dynamic. So when she came back, I had a very hard time trusting her and forgiving her. As a matter of fact, I never trusted her again and it's a good thing I didn't.
My point is, while Daddy was able to forgive her and give her another chance, I was extremely wary. I just couldn't find it in myself to forgive her and let my guard down anytime I remembered what happened. I can recall a past friendship where I was stabbed in the back by my best friend and it took me a year or two to stop hating her and talk things out. I hold grudges and I hate it.
So now I find myself in a situation where I need to forgive myself and I can't. I realize that beating myself up over what happened is not healthy, and like my friend said, it creates an endless cycle. It's counter productive. I just can't find it in myself to forgive myself. Why should I pretend what I did was okay and move on? Because I know that it was not okay, I saw how it hurt Daddy, our relationship, and even me. How am I to let go over guilt and live with my mistakes?