Wednesday, July 9, 2014

Punishment Writing Prompt

Supposedly the topic this writing assignment is to serve as a punishment and to have me reflect on my actions (not that I haven’t done that on my own) from a month ago. To be frank, I see it as a scarlet letter that’ll be placed on my blog. I'll just get it out of the way, I cheated on Daddy last month.

I guess I should start with some back story about me and my relationship. Before Daddy came along, I had been in a lot of relationships in the past, most of them being completely non-sexual but I always found myself having a hard time staying faithful. The issue was typically that I fell for another person while dating someone and then had to choose. Of course I was a big hypocrite because I hated to be cheated on, and that’s exactly what happened to me in my past relationship, which lasted 3 years.

Daddy and I have been together for 3 and a half years. From the start it was stated that He is polyamorous and that he had a girlfriend already. I worked with this though and we became a triad. I had no problems staying faithful to Him… Actually I can recall one time (in the beginning) that my feelings resurfaced for another ex, but I was completely honest about it and didn’t let my feelings get the best of me. Other than that, I had no real interest in other guys. I found that polyamory could help me though; I mean, now I had the opportunity to be honest about falling for someone else (if it happened) and to discuss it with Daddy. And there were a couple times that I fell for someone else and I was always honest about it and brought it up, and I was never scorned for it. Our rule was to be honest and open about our feelings.

Over the years I’ve come to learn and believe that Daddy didn’t quite care who I played with as long as He gave permission and deemed the other person safe. W/we talked about sharing me with His friends and my own friends. I rarely saw Him feel jealousy towards another person unless He felt threatened. In the past 3 years of U/us being together, I've been sexually involved with 4 people, not counting the ones I'll be mentioning below.

A few weeks ago my best friends and girlfriend all came to visit. There were 5 of us. Before the week when everyone arrived, Daddy had been teasing me about ordering me (with my consent) to tease my friends or to have me passed around and be fucked by them. The thought really excited me but also made me a bit shy.

When Little Miss and her Daddy arrived, it didn’t take us long to make it to the bed to fool around. Because Little Miss is my girlfriend, I already had permission to play with her but eventually I asked permission to tease her Daddy, after Little Miss brought up the idea. I was given the okay:
[6/5/2014 12:49:41 AM] Kurva: Would it be okay if I join Misty in teasing Cliff? >_>
[6/5/2014 12:49:53 AM] Daddy: If you want to.
[6/5/2014 12:50:19 AM] Kurva: I just wanted to check with you first.
However, I fucked up at this point; there was a serious issue with communication and assumptions. I went past teasing and fucked her Daddy. Despite the fact that the idea had been discussed prior to all this, I never specifically asked permission to do anything more than tease him. Daddy was not pleased, but I was left confused. It made no sense to me to have to be like "Hold on, need to ask permission" every time I want to move on to another base.

The result of my actions was this:
[6/5/2014 11:03:50 AM] Kurva: Am I still released?
[6/5/2014 11:06:13 AM] Daddy: Yes.
[6/5/2014 11:06:34 AM] Kurva: Is that what you want?
[6/5/2014 11:07:07 AM] Daddy: You cannot be trusted.
[6/5/2014 11:07:24 AM] Daddy: So do whatever you want, I won't stress over it anymore.
The next day my other friend arrived, we'll call him A. We are extremely close and long distance cuddle buddies. I've always thought A was pretty good looking but was never sexually attracted to Him or felt anything past platonic feelings toward him. However, when I picked him up from the airport for the firs time, things completely changed. As I later explained to Daddy:
Kurva: I've never thought about doing anything with him up until the being passed around fantasy.
I asked for permission one night about teasing him and got the okay. It went further though, a lot further to be more specific. I fucked A, not once but 6 times throughout the week he stayed over. I can't even recall why I did it at first. I mean, I do remember Daddy saying "Do whatever you want," and considering I had been told I was released, I guess nothing was holding me back.

What's weird though is that normally I haven't been too keen on casual sex but I guess that changed over time as I started to get more comfortable with my sexuality and urges. As W/we discussed my fantasies of being used by friends, I guess sex lost its holy grail status.

After that it just became addicting and I started to fall for him. I had a really hard time controlling myself, hell I even played with myself next to Little Miss on a ride at Disney. Daddy tried to write off the issue as a hypersexuality phase because I wasn't on my meds during that time (I had run out and was having issues with insurance covering the costs. He passed me some links and I read up on it but I really didn't want to add excuses to my behavior, even more so, I really didn't think I matched the criteria because in my mind, a nymphomaniac is someone who feels uncontrollable sexual urges almost constantly and can't control their self. While I did have a hard time with impulse control, I definitely wasn't at the point of fucking all of my friends or random strangers.

Reading over the rest of the logs, I realize just how much of a bitch cunt I was to Daddy. This is awful, I definitely didn't remember being this disrespectful. I was pretty vindictive because a couple times I was called names and disrespected, and then I was holding that against Him, as well as things from the past. I don't want to let that excuse my behavior or actions though because I still had the choice to calm down.

From what I've read, and completely forgot about up til now, there were a lot of times where he begged me to stop and I didn't. All I cared about was having a good time with my friends and making sure they were having a good time too, since we had other issues going on on the side.

As of now, Daddy has forgiven me for the most part but the entire week still sits in the back of his head. He remembers well what happens and it still bothers him. The more I think back to how I treated him during that week, the worse I feel about myself. I really don't know what pushed me over the edge.

So for anyone reading this (especially guys from Reddit) thinking that I am the perfect girlfriend and sub. I'm not. I'm far from it but I want to make sure that this never happens again.

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