Tuesday, August 19, 2014

How to Find a Good Daddy Dom/Mommy Domme?

I realize that I have a post on this already but I believe it's time to be redone.

In the past 3 years I've watched the DD/lg community thrive on Tumblr and I'm sure others that have been in the computer longer can say the same. With an increase of curious girls discovering their sexual interests, there has been an increase in "Daddy Doms", more commonly known as Tumblr Doms. A large amount of young men hop into the community calling themselves "Daddy" without having any real understanding of D/s and what it requires. The same can be said for the increase in newbie littles, but many of these men take advantage of lack of knowledge in young women and use it for their own sake. Fortunately there are a lot of great resources out there on how to pick out the good apples from the bad.

Where can I meet other people?
As the community has grown, there are a lot more places to connect with other littles and Daddies/Mommies.
  • Fetlife:
  • Ageplay Personals - You may or may not find Daddy/Mommy Doms/Dommes in this group. I say this because ageplay and DD/lg are slightly different, and not every ageplayer is looking for a Dom when they look for a Daddy or Mommy. But you can definitely find friends or playmates in here.
    Daddy - lil girl/babygirl Personals
    Daddy Doms/Babygirl submissives
    Daddy Doms and Babygirls
    Daddy ~ girl Relationships
    To view these groups you will need to join Fetlife. Make your account and fill out your profile. Make sure you talk about yourself and what you're looking for. Aside from the groups mentioned above, join groups that are centered around your city or a large city around you. Munches and events are a great way to meet people and learn new things.
    *Please note that personals posts should only be posted in personals groups. If it's posted outside of those, your post may be seen as spam and deleted.
    Fetlife is strictly for 18+.
     
  • Reddit:
    /r/littlespacepenpals
    /r/littlespace
    /r/littlepersonals
    /r/bdsmpersonals
    All of the above are strictly 18+
  • Facebook:
    Facebook - DDlg Playground (Not a personals group)
    Strictly 18+
  • DDlgforums.com - A DD/lg (CG/l or Big/little) friendly forum for Bigs and littles of all kinds to make friends, discuss topics, and talk about their relationships. This site is minor friendly ans SFW.

Have an idea of what you're looking for.
  • Do you want someone to care for you but are not interested in submitting or a power exchange? You may be a bottom (if you only want to submit at certain times) or an ageplayer. Ageplayers are very similar to littles but aren't always interested in a D/s dynamic because of the power exchange.
  • Do you want someone to help you explore your interests and fantasies, as well as explore with them?
  • Does the idea of giving yourself and your control over to another person excite you and make you happy? 
  • How much control are you willing to give to your Daddy?
  • Do you want a strict Daddy/Mommy or a lenient one?
  • Do you want servitude or a 50s household to be part of your relationship?
  • Are you into AB/DL? Then you'll want a Daddy/Mommy who is open to this kink.
  • Have you figured out what your limits are? Do you want someone with similar limits or are you open minded but want someone who respects your limits?
These are important questions to ask yourself before even looking for a Daddy/Mommy.

Do your homework.
Read as much as you can. Read books, read well-known blog posts, check out reputable websites. Read about what defines and makes a submissive and what that role may entail. Read about different types of Doms/Dommes and what to expect from them and what responsibilities they should have. Get ideas of what rules you'd like to have in your life. Read about safety regarding anything that you're interested in.

Soak up as much information as you can.
What makes a Dom different from a top or a kinkster?
 The answer is that a top is someone who enjoys dominating during sex or during scenes, but a Dom/Domme is someone who does it beyond the bedroom or special occasions.  A Dom owns another person and that in itself a very large responsibility and it's a lifestyle. If you're looking to commit your life with someone else and want DD/lg to be a part of your life, you want a Daddy/Mommy Dom/Domme. If you want someone just here or there or someone for the bedroom, you want a top or a partner into kinky sex with roleplay.

What makes a good Daddy/Mommy? How can I spot a predator?
When looking for a Daddy/Mommy, you should be aware of what makes Dom/Domme different than abuser. What qualities should a Daddy/Mommy have? What should you expect?
Well here are the basics:
This isn't all though, there's so much more that makes a good Dom/Domme and even more to make a good Daddy/Mommy. I advise reading What Makes a Good Daddy/Mommy or you can read Qualities of A Successful Dominant.

Aside from having certain qualities, it's very important for a Daddy/Mommy to have knowledge in other things such as safety, how to care for another person, and knowledge in things that interest them or their little. Experience is important and comes in time, no one is born knowing everything. Check out this list, - 10 Things That New Dominants Should Know. When looking for a Daddy/Mommy, make sure that they're aware of  these things. It's not a bad idea to hear from their past submissives either.  If they have nothing to hard, they should have little to know problem telling you how to get a hold of these people through Fetlife or some other website. There's no shame in asking questions for your safety or sating your curiosity and there's also no shame for new Daddies/Mommies to ask questions from more experienced Dominants.

As I mentioned above, abusers are every where in BDSM, from hunting down dungeons to find newbies, to online and hunting for vulnerable people. It's easy to prey on newbies because most of them are curious and just beginning their adventure. They don't have enough knowledge yet on the lifestyle and it holds. Know your enemy.

Here are some things to consider:
  • If someone demands your submission from the beginning, they're not a Dominant.
  • If a Dom/Domme needs to win you over through luxurious or frequent gifts, then they are not a Dominant, they're a Sugar Daddy or a pimp.
  • If they need to use fear or manipulation to make you submit, they're not a Dominant, they're an abuser.
*Does the Dominant use expensive gifts to get you to do something you honestly don't want to do?
* Does the Dominant restrict you from having friends over or going over to see your friends?
* Does the Dominant threaten to leave you whenever you tell him or her that you don't want to do something?
* Does the Dominant make you feel guilty if you can\'t or wont do something?
* Does the Dominant restrict you from contact with your family?
* Does the Dominant get upset with you when you try and talk about the problems you are having?
* Does the Dominant ever make you feel as if you are not good enough or that you can be easily replaced?
* Does the Dominant ignore your medical or physical needs (this does not include the inability to see to these needs due to financial difficulties)?
Longer list can be found at the-iron-gate.com at Red Flags, Warning Signs, and Intuition: Learning to Trust You Instincts - Part One: Dominants

What are questions that you can ask the Dom/me? The following questions were provided by my Master as ones He would like a sub to ask Him.
  • What does SSC stand for? This is the cornerstone of BDSM, and S/he should be able to answer this (even if S/he professes to follow RACK instead, he should still be able to answer this, and give you a discussion of the differences in theories).
  • What is his/her training style? How does s/he intend to adjust it to your personality?
  • What is the job/ purpose of the sub?
  • What is the job/ purpose of the Dom?
  • If s/he was to use an implement on you, how would s/he gauge how hard s/he was hitting you?
  • How does s/he tell if you’ve had enough or reached your limit (physically or mentally)?
  • Does s/he use safe words?
  • If you are going to be intimate, would s/he be willing to be tested for STI’s and provide you with the paperwork?
  • What is aftercare?
  • How does s/he intend to handle sub drop if it happens several days later?
  • What are some munches and parties s/he has attended? Is s/he willing to give you the names and contact information of the organizers?
-Quoted from SubmissiveGuide by nan {SL}

1) Any man who can get off for more than a minute on the erotic image of female as whore is not instantly a Dominant.

2) Any man who finds it just impossible to entertain the idea of treating a woman like a child is not a Dominant.

3) Any man who is obsessed with “sharing his sub” is very questionable at best.

4) Any man who rants and rails about his needs, his wants, his desires, and tells submissives that they really ought to be just overjoyed to attend to his every want without regard for her own needs, wants, and desires is not a Dominant.

5) Any man who spends too much of his time denying the concept of vulnerability in a relationship, insisting that the submissive has just as much “power” as he’s got, is not a Dominant. He doesn’t want responsibility and he doesn’t even want to believe in the possibility that some responsibility might exist.

6) Any man who believes that he can ‘make’ a woman like whatever he wants her to like is not a Dominant.

7) Any man who believes that submissives are interchangeable is not a Dominant.

8) Dominants don’t have particularly fragile egos. They may get angry as hell with something that someone may have said, but they don’t spend any significant amount of time in internal anguishing about it. Men with severe emotional problems or personality weaknesses should not be trying to control someone else.

9) A man who would ‘contrive’ an occasion of punishment is not a Dominant. Dominants don’t have to “set things up” that way. They can use real experiences as real justifications for real actions.

10) Any man who can’t handle a submissive’s emotions is not a Dominant.

11) Any man who has lots of “slaves” is not a Dominant.
-Quoted from IdahoBDSM by COUNtess VelVEEta

Another way that you can tell a Daddy from an abuser or horny net geek (HNG) is through The Acid Test. You can easily find this on Google through many different people, but here is one: BDSM: Acid Tests for True Dominants by Dr. Spankenstein 
When in doubt, trust your instincts and use your brain.

Know your Submissive Bill of Rights:
  1. You have the right to be treated with respect. Not only do you have this right, you have the right to demand it. Being submissive does not make you a doormat or less of a person than anyone else. The word “submissive” describes your nature and in no way diminishes you as a human being. You have the right to respect yourself as well.
  2. You have the right to be proud of what you are. Being a submissive is nothing that should ever bring you shame or feelings of reproach. Your submissive nature is a gift and should always be a source of pride and happiness. 
  3. You have the right to feel safe. Being a submissive should not make you feel afraid, insecure or threatened. Submission is not about living on the edge or flirting with fear. In any situation you should feel safe or there can never be true surrender. 
  4. You have the right to your emotions and feelings. Your emotions and feelings come from you and they are just as valid as anyone else’s. You have a right to them. Those feelings, whether positive or negative, make you who you are and suppressing them will only bring unhappiness later. 
  5. You have the right to express your negative feelings. Being submissive does not make you an object that no longer has negative thoughts or concerns.Your concerns are real and you have every right to express them. If something doesn’t feel right, bothers you, makes you feel bad or you just plain don’t like something, say so. Failing to express your negative feelings could give the mistaken impression that you are pleased or satisfied with something that is not pleasurable or agreeable. 
  6. You have the right to say NO. Being submissive does not take away your right to have dislikes or negative feelings about things. If something is happening or about to happen that you feel strongly opposed to, it’s your duty to speak up. Remember, failing to communicate the word NO is the same as saying YES. 
  7. You have the right to expect happiness in life. Being submissive is not tantamount to being miserable, suffering or a life of despair. Your submission should bring you joy, peace and fulfillment. If it doesn’t, then something is wrong.
  8. You have the right to have input in a relationship. You are an active partner in any relationship you enter and have every right to contribute to it. You are submissive, not passive. A relationship that doesn’t include your needs, thoughts, hopes and desires is not one you should be in to begin with. This applies to friendships, partnerships and D/s relationships.
  9. You have the right to belong. Being submissive greatly involves the feeling of belonging. Many submissives have expressed that it was in discovering their submissive nature that they felt as through they “belonged” for the first time in their lives. You belong to the lifestyle and will eventually belong to the One. It’s in that relationship you should find the final fulfillment of “belonging” at last.
  10. You have the right to be loved and to love. Anyone who tells you that love doesn’t fit into a D/s relationship has never experienced the fulfillment of all it truly can be. Submissives are by nature loving and needing of love and have every right to expect this to be a part of their lives. It takes love to bring your submission into full bloom, so don’t settle for less.
  11. You have the right to be healthy. Health involves your physical, mental and emotional well-being. Any relationship, D/s or otherwise, that causes you to suffer physically, mentally or emotionally, beyond your limits, is abuse. There is no place for abusive behavior in a D/s relationship and it’s up to you to make sure those lines are not crossed.
  12. Being a submissive does not give anyone the right to harm or injure you in any way. The D/s community will stand behind you if you should encounter such a situation but you are the one who has to make them aware before they can help. 
  13. You have the right to practice safe sex. Not only is this a right, it’s a duty to yourself and others you may come into contact with at a later date. Sexually transmitted diseases have reached epidemic proportions and must be a concern to any sexually active person. Safe Sex is something you have the right to insist upon and protecting yourself should never be discouraged by anyone who really has your best interests at heart. 
-Quoted from IdahoBDSM


Communicate:
You should always start off by introducing yourselves and stating what you're looking for. Okay, maybe you can do that after a proper introduction and seeing if they seem like they have potential. Tell them about your experience or what you'd like to learn. Ask them how long they've been a Daddy/Mommy, how many subs have they previously owned, what knowledge and experience they have in different forms of play.  Ask them what they're willing to learn and what they're looking for and see if these things are compatible. Discuss your limits - what are your hard limits and what are you curious about but lack experience in?

Get to know each other beyond the lifestyle. A good relationship of any kind starts from similar interests, and if you're looking for a partner to have a romantic relationship too, this is essential. As I've said in the past, I personally believe the best relationships form from friendships.

 Meeting in Person:
Always meet in a public place, I cannot express this enough. Meet at a public restaurant or at a local munch for your safety. You are never obligated to go to someone's house upon the first time that you meet them unless you're comfortable with it. No matter what, your safety should be your #1 priority.

You are also not obligated to submit upon meeting for the first time, nor do you have to be involved in a scene. It takes trust to engage in play with someone or submit. You wouldn't just let any one tie you up or beat you just because they talk the talk. You both have to build a connection and a foundation of trust. Anyone that demands your submission from the first few chats or first few meetings is not worth your time. They're more than likely searching for a quick way to get their penises hard and fulfill their fantasies.

Other resources for you:
A list of books to check out courtesy of Fortheloveofasub 

19 comments:

  1. This was seriously helpful as I'm looking for a daddy but have no clue about any of this , I'm so new to this , so thank you , i have bookmarked this page for further reading .

    ReplyDelete
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  2. thank you i just found this and i really really want to get into it now because of this very helpful information thank you again for posting such useful information!

    ReplyDelete
  3. As weird as this sounds i want a mommy...

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  4. Very cool, thanks for posting this. I am "New" to the lifestyle but not being submissive. I was in a abusive marriage and after therapy and realizing what kind of man I obviously attract. A light bulb went on and said maybe... I need a Dom a Daddy Dom to be exact. I haven't found a real Dom as of yet. The ones I have found or attracted are the long distance internet things or men who are looking for something easy and to play. I was approched by a man , he is kinda new. We get along on the phone the only thing is he wants to meet for a session. I don't really want to I would rather us go out a few times first. I appreciate the last part you added. I have been watching and reading. The last part is what I am gonna have to talk to him about . Wish me luck, if not I will keep learning and waiting for him.

    ReplyDelete
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    1. Hi let's chat djhigsii@yahoo.com

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  5. I have just recently considered given this lifestyle a try. My first and only experience with someone who claimed to be Daddy, just felt off. After ending this I'm sure he was not an experienced Dom or Daddy. I will keep researching and keep listening to my inner voice.

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  6. I'm soooo new. My 1st experience was terrible. Beware of fake DD. I'm searching for my Daddy heartbroken. I need to be restored

    ReplyDelete
  7. Wow!!! This was very informative and precise! Would you happen to know where I can find information like this about bimbos/trophywives

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  8. Life changing ... I have been looking for a daddy for a year and still have not found him... All I have found is games... I want the real thing

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  9. Hi thank you verry much for this I am a little and new to this so this was verry helpfull since I am looking for a daddy dom

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  10. Thank you so much for all of the informative info. This really helped me look at the relationship with a different set of eyes and solidified what I am truly looking for.

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  11. Thanks for this, it was really helpful

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  13. Thank you so much for this information. I'm very new to this. Currently involved with a "daddy dom", who I feel is falling a little short in the care of me. The more I read in your information, the more I believe he wants to be my daddy but truly lacks the focus for it. I don't feel like he is very present in the life style as much as I would like him to be (with me). This is my first experience, so it's hard to know what I'm truly looking for but I have the desire to be more looked after than what I'm receiving. He never gives me tasks. I actually asked for a task the other day. He gave me one.. which I focused and worked very hard the entire day. However, come evening... he never even asked how it went. ? If I decide to leave this relationship, I feel like I would like to persue another daddy. But how do you find a good one??? Or maybe... I don't really want that since the only comparison I have to make is this experience and it may not truly be a daddy dom situation. ��

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