Monday, March 6, 2017

You Ask and I Worry

You ask, "Why can I not express my feelings and frustrations to you without you worrying that it's going to be the end?"

I wish I had an answer, Master. I wish I could give you a clear, cut response that you can fathom and we can work on. But the truth is, I'm not there yet, only at possible ideas.

It's not that you can't express your feelings. I want you to. I want to know if your needs are being met and if there's things I need to work on. But it's so hard not to fear the worst; not to think that things are only good or bad, with no in between. I have faulty thinking habits and I'm aware of them when it comes to anxiety, but I've yet to put them in practice with us.

I have a strong fear of abandonment and I still can't put my finger on the root of this in our relationship. Perhaps it's because of the part of the large portion of my life that you hold. I feel so fragile despite being mended, but fear of losing anyone is something I can't shake off. And fear of losing you has become one of my biggest fears.

It's been addressed in therapy since Nan, but I think it's only getting worse. My worth is determined by the presence of others around me and how they view me. By losing people I feel like I've failed them. The thought of losing you is not terrible in a sense that it would kill me, because I could manage. But when I have something as great as you in my life who brings me happiness, love, and laughter it's hard to imagine just how things would be without you. And I think even that uncertainty scares me.

I feel like I constantly have to ask stupid questions because uncertainty scares me."Are you mad at me?" "Am I annoying you?" "Are you tired of me?" "Are you going to leave me?"
I know they're tiring and aggravating and I feel so embarrassed asking them but it's almost like a safety net compulsion. Without clear yes or no, I feel like I'm left to wonder on my own which once again leans to the worst possible outcome.