Monday, March 6, 2017

You Ask and I Worry

You ask, "Why can I not express my feelings and frustrations to you without you worrying that it's going to be the end?"

I wish I had an answer, Master. I wish I could give you a clear, cut response that you can fathom and we can work on. But the truth is, I'm not there yet, only at possible ideas.

It's not that you can't express your feelings. I want you to. I want to know if your needs are being met and if there's things I need to work on. But it's so hard not to fear the worst; not to think that things are only good or bad, with no in between. I have faulty thinking habits and I'm aware of them when it comes to anxiety, but I've yet to put them in practice with us.

I have a strong fear of abandonment and I still can't put my finger on the root of this in our relationship. Perhaps it's because of the part of the large portion of my life that you hold. I feel so fragile despite being mended, but fear of losing anyone is something I can't shake off. And fear of losing you has become one of my biggest fears.

It's been addressed in therapy since Nan, but I think it's only getting worse. My worth is determined by the presence of others around me and how they view me. By losing people I feel like I've failed them. The thought of losing you is not terrible in a sense that it would kill me, because I could manage. But when I have something as great as you in my life who brings me happiness, love, and laughter it's hard to imagine just how things would be without you. And I think even that uncertainty scares me.

I feel like I constantly have to ask stupid questions because uncertainty scares me."Are you mad at me?" "Am I annoying you?" "Are you tired of me?" "Are you going to leave me?"
I know they're tiring and aggravating and I feel so embarrassed asking them but it's almost like a safety net compulsion. Without clear yes or no, I feel like I'm left to wonder on my own which once again leans to the worst possible outcome.


  1. Damon I don't know what side is speaking but thats how I feel a lot of times.

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  3. Just wanted to say that I completely get this and am the same way. I look really confident, and mostly am, in all other areas of my life, but I crave that absolute, unstinting reassurance. I also feel like I'm failing people all the time... I hadn't considered that they could be related. Hmmm....

  4. I've been in a DDlg relationship for 6 months now. It started out as a bdsm liaison for experimenting and exploration (we met on SA), but gradually transformed into a full and rich DDlg relationship. This transformation has deepened and expanded our connection and closeness in profound and unexpected ways. Neither of us began the bdsm liaison with the intention of forming such a bond, and now that the bond is formed we don't want it broken. I have discovered for the first time in my life that my true nature is DD. I'm a protector, guardian, care and comfort giver, mentor, advisor, councillor, friend, lover, companion, disciplinarian (as well as other traits that go with conventional bdsm dominant roles). She has always known she was a little and has found that all that I have to offer her is everything that she needs and wants...(for now. For now, because our relationship is realistically non-sustainable. Even though it is serious, committed, and envisioned as long term, we accept that our relationship has an expiration date, a day when it will have to end. We don't know when that day is.) Even so, we are plagued by fears and anxieties about abandonment and loss, her because she fears I might leave her because I will tire of her, get fed up, lose patience, me by the same as well as fear of betrayal. I really don't have a solution for how we are to deal with such feelings except that when they come up that we reassure each other. We have a long long thread of text messages in which such reassurances are exchanged, and when we are together such textual reassurances are augmented by spoken word and physical gesture. And yet the fears remain on both sides. Even though every day is one day closer to the end of our relationship, I would really like each of those days to be lived on the basis of 100% trust and belief that we are meant to be together...for now...

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