Monday, July 28, 2014

A Guide to Tailplugs

What  are buttplugs made of? What types of lube can be used with them?
  • Rubber - Water-based lube
  • Latex - Water-based lube
  • Silicone - Water-based lube
  • Glass - silicone lube, water-based lube
  • Steel - silicone lube, water-based lube
  • Wood - silicone lube, water-based lube
It’s best to avoid rubber toys since they tend to be cheap but if you’re looking for a beginner buttplug to start off with it and you’re low on money, they’re not a bad option. Just be aware that they’re not as sanitary as the other options even when properly washed. Rubber is a porous material so it’s easier for bacteria and chemicals to get trapped in these pores.
Never use silicone-based lube on silicone toys. The lube will eat away at the material and create pores that ruin the toy and make it harder to clean. Most silicone toys aren’t that cheap either so it’s not worth the fuss.
If you see a plug made in China there’s a chance they are not phthalates-free which means you should avoid at all costs.
Avoid lubes that contain anesthetics. While you may think that having something that will numb you will make it easier to take the plug, it can be dangerous in cases of accidental injury.
If you’re having a tough time taking the plug, do not force it in. Use plenty of lube and work it in gently. If you’re feeling pain or it just won’t go in, there’s a chance that you have a toy that’s too big for you and you may want to work your way up with fingers or beginner plugs.
Always wash your plugs after each use. Anti-bacterial soap and warm water will do just fine with water-based lubes, other lubes may require a bottle of a toy cleaner.
For more information please visit TheHealthyBear.
Where to buy tailplugs?

Different Types of Collars and Their Meanings

What is collaring?
Collaring is the moment that shows that a sub has completed their training and their relationship with their Dom has been taken to a new level. If you can think of consideration and training collars as engagement rings, the ownership collar is similar to a wedding ring. Sometimes ceremonies are held by the Dom to celebrate this moment.

For more information on collaring ceremonies and examples of how to plan one, please click here.

Just as Doms earn a sub's submission through love and trust, a sub earns their collars through their hard work and devotion.

Types of collars:
  • Posture collars
  • Dog collars
  • Leather collars
  • Ribbon collars
  • Metal collars
  • Discreet/day collars
  • Bracelet or anklet collars
  • Rings
  • Branding, scarification, and tattoos

Collars and their meanings:
Different collars have different meanings. When you hear "collaring", you tend to think of the ownership (mentioned below) but there are other ties when collars may be worn:

Posture Collar - You've probably seen these collars in pictures, they tend to be fairly large and cover up most of the neck. They are worn to for fun, as a fashion statement, or a way to restrict neck movement and enhance posture.
Play collar - These collars are very commonly worn during scenes and tend to have no significant meaning behind them. Play collars are typically dog collars, leather collars, or ribbon collars.

Protection collar - This is when a Dom wants to show that a submissive is protected and is commonly used in dungeons or kinky house parties. This lets other Doms know that while this sub is not owned, they are not are free to touch or approach. These collars are typically dog collars or leather collars.
Consideration collar- This is one of the first steps in showing advancement in a D/s dynamic. It signifies that the submissive is being considered for a long term relationship or ownership, however, it is normally worn for an agreed on amount of time and can be revoked for any reason. These collars tend to be leather collars*.
Training collar - This type of collar shows that a submissive is currently being trained by a Dom. It gives a taste of the power that the Dom has over the sub. These collars tend to be leather collars*.

Ownership collar (also known as a formal collar or slave collar) - This is not to be taken lightly, it is the equivalent of giving/receiving a wedding ring and shows that the submissive is owned. An ownership collar is earned after a sub has completed their training or deemed worthy of being kept long term. This means it could be years before a sub receives an ownership collar. These collars can look like anything from a leather dog collar, to a metal collar (most commonly seen), to a symbolic piece of jewelry (a bracelet, anklet,  necklace, or ring). Some Doms even prefer to tattoo or brand their sub, this is more commonly done in the Master/slave dynamic and Gorean lifestyle. It’s completely up to the Dom and sub.

*If worn out public, these collars can be substituted with a day collar.

The meaning behind the collar should not be a game of guess work, especially ownership collars. If you have to ask yourself if the collar you're wearing signifies that you're owned, then it's probably not an ownership collar. When a Dom gives you a collar they will (or should) tell you the meaning behind it and discuss any questions you may have regarding it. As for the type of collar given, it's not the look of it that matters but the bond and meaning behind it.

Proper etiquette  and collars:
If you're a Dom and you see a sub with a collar, you should avoid trying to make advancements of any sort unless you've talked it out with their Dom. Some Doms even require that you speak to them before even approaching or conversing with their sub. Do not disrespect the relationship or the Dom's ownership.

If you're a sub and wearing a consideration, training, or ownership collar you should not take off your collar (assuming it's not locked or you have access to the key) without your Dom's permission. Taking it off during arguments is considered rude and disrespectful.
Where to buy collars?
Collars can be bought at local dungeons by vendors and crafters. You can also find those same people on Fetlife through meets, munches, and networking. However, you can buy collars online as well.
External links for more information on collaring:
Collars and Their Meanings
The Impact of Velcro Collars on the Symbolism by lunaKM
What It Means to be Collared by LadySneak
The Ring and the Collar by tequilarose

Tuesday, July 22, 2014

What Makes a Good Daddy/Mommy?

Contrary to popular belief, a Daddy/Mommy is like any other Dom/Domme. While their roles might be slightly different from Masters/Mistresses,  their goals for the submissive are very similar in terms of growth and guidance. There's a popular belief that Masters/Mistresses are not and cannot be loving a gentle like Daddies/Mommies and I have to admit that I'm guilty of believing this in the beginning of my journey.
This is the truth:
Diagram taken from Romantic-ds.

What qualities make a good Dom/Domme?
A good Dom/Domme...
  • Should be educated in the lifestyle and their interests (especially if sadomasichism is involved). This means that before owning anyone or participating ina nything, they should be reading up a lot on D/s dynamics, power exchanges, and even saefty. There's no shame in asking questions or attending classes on safety regarding bondage or impact play. Remember that your journey with your submissive is endless learning for both of you and things will need to be adjusted overtime. Knowledge is power.
  • Should respect limits, safewords, and be courteous of consent (or lack there of). Don't be this guy, this is exactly what an abuser looks like. BDSM is all about, "Safe, sane, and consensual". Print out or create limit checklists. Here are some examples to consider: 1, 2. Both of you should fill them out and then discuss them afterwards.
    will be your hard limits. This means that no matter the circumstance or person, you are not interested in these in any way.
    will be things that you’d consider in the future given the right training, person, or circumstance. For example, you could be interested in suspension bondage but you and your Daddy lack the proper knowledge to tie sturdy knots and know how to make sure you’re safe. Or if your Daddy is interested in anal sex and you’re scared but willing to try it out in the future, then that requires you to overcome the fear and begin anal training with small butt plugs and move on to gradually larger ones.
    will be things that you both are interested in and you have no second thoughts about.
  • Should realize that D/s is not about being a control freak. While a Dom/Domme can own someone and have a TPE with them, the dynamic is not about simply bossing around. There is a difference between Dominating and controlling in an abusive way. Remember that the amount of control between you and your submissive is discussed and agreed upon by both of you. 
  • Being a Dom is also not about getting your dick sucked or fucking someone whenever you please; see #DDlg tag on Tumblr and check out those Kik Daddies. If you think that's what it's about then stick to your BDSM porn and your hand or roleplay online.
  • Should think of their sub's well being. Ownership is exactly what it sounds like and if you choose to own someone, it's a huge responsibility.
  • Does not need to use manipulation or scare tactics to make someone submit. Submission is a gift and is earned, it's not forced. If you need to force yourself on someone else or use threats then you're clearly not ready to be a Dom/Domme.
  • Does not lie. D/s is all about trust. How can you expect to gain someone's trust if you can't even be honest?
  • Has realistic expectations.
  • Knows the difference between fantasy and what's possible in real life.
  • Is Understanding.
  • Understands subdrop and how to provide aftercare.
  • Knows the difference between punishment and abuse.
  • Does not let their anger decide on the punishment.
So what about Daddies and Mommies?
Like I mentioned above, the roles of a Daddy/Mommy and other Doms/Dommes is a little different. Romantic-ds, again, puts it excellently:
Littles (in the D/s sense) are a type of submissive. What makes them different from other submissives is that they tend to be ‘younger’ mentally, which is why they are looking for a very fatherly/motherly, softer Dominant. This is probably also why a lot of them are a bit childlike, why they prefer cute childish things and are into age play.
So as you can see, because of this, Daddies and Mommies cater to a bit more that Masters would have to. There is both an inner child and a big that needs to be dealt with in littles.

 A good Daddy/Mommy...
  • Should understand their little's interests and needs. Be aware of what their little side needs. Maybe it's extra cuddles, or a little date, etc.
  • Should not belittle their little because of their younger interests. Your job is to help embrace their inner child and make them feel safe in little space. There is no need to shame them for having an interest in coloring or likes to collect plushies.
  • Does not message owned littles and provoke them. Respect ownership, you are not only insulting the little but the Daddy as well. A submissive does not stop, drop, and roll at whatever new guy comes along and orders them to do so.
  • Provides reasonable rules that make the little happy and ensure their safety.
  • Does not need to flaunt their fantasies on every picture they reblog. Posting, "Mmm Daddy would love to spank your ass bright red," does not impress me much.
  • Does not overspoil their little. You do not need to overspoil your little, this can create behavioral problems and entitlement in the future, just like it does with real children. If your little demands a reward for every little good thing that they do, it gives the impression that you've lost control and that they hold control over you (and this is a form of manipulation).
  • Does not force their little to regress to an age that they're not comfortable with.
I realize that I've referenced and addressed a lot of issues that are seen commonly on Tumblr by so-called Doms and Daddies, but understand that these people are real and think highly of themselves.

Forgive and Forget

Forgiveness is a hard concept for me. I understand it but I'm rarely capable of it during extreme situations. Perhaps it's because I have a hard time forgetting things and I tie the two things together, despite the fact that Daddy insists that they're two different things.

Daddy and I are not a perfect couple, but then again no couple is. Daddy has hurt me in the past with words and actions, often times letting his anger get the best of him. Both of us are rage machines. Have I forgiven him? I'd like to say yes, I mean I don't think about these offenses on a daily basis and hate Him... But when I do remember it during an argument, I have a bad case of bringing up the past and holding it over His head. Daddy is nothing like that though.

When kitten was still around, I had a really hard time forgiving her after she cheated on Daddy. What bothered me the most about it was her pathetic excuses for cheating, that made no sense. And while I didn't personally know the other Master that she was involved with, when approaching him to get the full story, I was told that she told him that she wasn't owned and had never been owned. At that point Daddy and kitten had already been together for a year and were very much a Master/pet dynamic so it really pissed me off. I saw it as a slap in His face, their relationship, and their power dynamic. So when she came back, I had a very hard time trusting her and forgiving her. As a matter of fact, I never trusted her again and it's a good thing I didn't.

My point is, while Daddy was able to forgive her and give her another chance, I was extremely wary. I just couldn't find it in myself to forgive her and let my guard down anytime I remembered what happened. I can recall a past friendship where I was stabbed in the back by my best friend and it took me a year or two to stop hating her and talk things out. I hold grudges and I hate it.

So now I find myself in a situation where I need to forgive myself and I can't. I realize that beating myself up over what happened is not healthy, and like my friend said, it creates an endless cycle. It's counter productive. I just can't find it in myself to forgive myself. Why should I pretend what I did was okay and move on? Because I know that it was not okay, I saw how it hurt Daddy, our relationship, and even me. How am I to let go over guilt and live with my mistakes?

Sex Drive Rant

My sex drive is not what it used to be but it's getting better slowly. It's just... When you go from wanting sex every day (and sometimes multiple times a day) to suddenly not wanting it, it's foreign. As I explained to my friend yesterday, I'm at a point where I could go the rest of my life without sex and be fine with it. I very rarely feel horny these days and there have been a few times when I mentally want sex, but my body says no. It's frustrating when you're rubbing your clit and it's not as sensitive as it used to be and you don't get wet.
Thankfully I see my psychiatrist on Friday (it's been 2 or 3 months) and I can bring this up to her and see what can be done. I'm currently at very low doses of both of my medications so I'm puzzled as to why this is happening. Not only that but I've been on one since 2012 and the other since October of last year. I've never had problems with my sex drive with either but it's completely possible.

Daddy insists that it's fine but I worry about Him. Our relationship has never been solely based on sex but it was very important to both of us. Sex has always been more than "I'm horny, help get me off," it was our way of expressing our love and lust towards each other and becoming one, so to speak. So when I see that He's horny and I have no interest in playing, I feel bad about it. It's in my nature to want to care for him and please him. I'm sure if we were living together I'd have no problem giving Him blowjobs and handjobs, or hell, even letting him have vaginal sex with me. It's just that there are times when I try and I can't get wet enough or I'm not feeling pleasure from it, and Daddy insists that it's not fun if I'm not enjoying it.

There have been days when I've been extremely frustrated and just said, "Fuck it. Might as well just accept the fact I'm practically asexual now." I've heard of stories of asexuals having sex for their partner's benefit, but neither of us would want me to force it.

Wednesday, July 9, 2014

Punishment Writing Prompt

Supposedly the topic this writing assignment is to serve as a punishment and to have me reflect on my actions (not that I haven’t done that on my own) from a month ago. To be frank, I see it as a scarlet letter that’ll be placed on my blog. I'll just get it out of the way, I cheated on Daddy last month.

I guess I should start with some back story about me and my relationship. Before Daddy came along, I had been in a lot of relationships in the past, most of them being completely non-sexual but I always found myself having a hard time staying faithful. The issue was typically that I fell for another person while dating someone and then had to choose. Of course I was a big hypocrite because I hated to be cheated on, and that’s exactly what happened to me in my past relationship, which lasted 3 years.

Daddy and I have been together for 3 and a half years. From the start it was stated that He is polyamorous and that he had a girlfriend already. I worked with this though and we became a triad. I had no problems staying faithful to Him… Actually I can recall one time (in the beginning) that my feelings resurfaced for another ex, but I was completely honest about it and didn’t let my feelings get the best of me. Other than that, I had no real interest in other guys. I found that polyamory could help me though; I mean, now I had the opportunity to be honest about falling for someone else (if it happened) and to discuss it with Daddy. And there were a couple times that I fell for someone else and I was always honest about it and brought it up, and I was never scorned for it. Our rule was to be honest and open about our feelings.

Over the years I’ve come to learn and believe that Daddy didn’t quite care who I played with as long as He gave permission and deemed the other person safe. W/we talked about sharing me with His friends and my own friends. I rarely saw Him feel jealousy towards another person unless He felt threatened. In the past 3 years of U/us being together, I've been sexually involved with 4 people, not counting the ones I'll be mentioning below.

A few weeks ago my best friends and girlfriend all came to visit. There were 5 of us. Before the week when everyone arrived, Daddy had been teasing me about ordering me (with my consent) to tease my friends or to have me passed around and be fucked by them. The thought really excited me but also made me a bit shy.

When Little Miss and her Daddy arrived, it didn’t take us long to make it to the bed to fool around. Because Little Miss is my girlfriend, I already had permission to play with her but eventually I asked permission to tease her Daddy, after Little Miss brought up the idea. I was given the okay:
[6/5/2014 12:49:41 AM] Kurva: Would it be okay if I join Misty in teasing Cliff? >_>
[6/5/2014 12:49:53 AM] Daddy: If you want to.
[6/5/2014 12:50:19 AM] Kurva: I just wanted to check with you first.
However, I fucked up at this point; there was a serious issue with communication and assumptions. I went past teasing and fucked her Daddy. Despite the fact that the idea had been discussed prior to all this, I never specifically asked permission to do anything more than tease him. Daddy was not pleased, but I was left confused. It made no sense to me to have to be like "Hold on, need to ask permission" every time I want to move on to another base.

The result of my actions was this:
[6/5/2014 11:03:50 AM] Kurva: Am I still released?
[6/5/2014 11:06:13 AM] Daddy: Yes.
[6/5/2014 11:06:34 AM] Kurva: Is that what you want?
[6/5/2014 11:07:07 AM] Daddy: You cannot be trusted.
[6/5/2014 11:07:24 AM] Daddy: So do whatever you want, I won't stress over it anymore.
The next day my other friend arrived, we'll call him A. We are extremely close and long distance cuddle buddies. I've always thought A was pretty good looking but was never sexually attracted to Him or felt anything past platonic feelings toward him. However, when I picked him up from the airport for the firs time, things completely changed. As I later explained to Daddy:
Kurva: I've never thought about doing anything with him up until the being passed around fantasy.
I asked for permission one night about teasing him and got the okay. It went further though, a lot further to be more specific. I fucked A, not once but 6 times throughout the week he stayed over. I can't even recall why I did it at first. I mean, I do remember Daddy saying "Do whatever you want," and considering I had been told I was released, I guess nothing was holding me back.

What's weird though is that normally I haven't been too keen on casual sex but I guess that changed over time as I started to get more comfortable with my sexuality and urges. As W/we discussed my fantasies of being used by friends, I guess sex lost its holy grail status.

After that it just became addicting and I started to fall for him. I had a really hard time controlling myself, hell I even played with myself next to Little Miss on a ride at Disney. Daddy tried to write off the issue as a hypersexuality phase because I wasn't on my meds during that time (I had run out and was having issues with insurance covering the costs. He passed me some links and I read up on it but I really didn't want to add excuses to my behavior, even more so, I really didn't think I matched the criteria because in my mind, a nymphomaniac is someone who feels uncontrollable sexual urges almost constantly and can't control their self. While I did have a hard time with impulse control, I definitely wasn't at the point of fucking all of my friends or random strangers.

Reading over the rest of the logs, I realize just how much of a bitch cunt I was to Daddy. This is awful, I definitely didn't remember being this disrespectful. I was pretty vindictive because a couple times I was called names and disrespected, and then I was holding that against Him, as well as things from the past. I don't want to let that excuse my behavior or actions though because I still had the choice to calm down.

From what I've read, and completely forgot about up til now, there were a lot of times where he begged me to stop and I didn't. All I cared about was having a good time with my friends and making sure they were having a good time too, since we had other issues going on on the side.

As of now, Daddy has forgiven me for the most part but the entire week still sits in the back of his head. He remembers well what happens and it still bothers him. The more I think back to how I treated him during that week, the worse I feel about myself. I really don't know what pushed me over the edge.

So for anyone reading this (especially guys from Reddit) thinking that I am the perfect girlfriend and sub. I'm not. I'm far from it but I want to make sure that this never happens again.

Tuesday, July 8, 2014

Question on Aftercare for littles

So I have a new daddy and at first he didn't do after care and i asked him yo and tried to explain why and he agreed to do it. But niether of us really know what to do during aftercare..? How does he bring me out of subspace? - Anonymous
Aftercare is normally done through lots of physical affection after an intense scene has finished. This can be done through hugs, kisses, cuddling/spooning, lovemaking (gentle sex), and loving or caring conversations. For littles, more specifically, aftercare can involve bringing in a pacifier (if they are into that) and stroking the little’s hair or back; handing the little some coloring books and crayons and sit and talk with them as they color; filling up a (sippy) cup of their favorite drink, maybe some juice, soda, milk, hot chocolate, tea, etc.; or putting it in one of their favorite movies and relaxing on the couch or in bed. Remember that aftercare should revolve around you and making sure that your needs are being met. It’s also not uncommon during subdrop for a submissive to question their place in their Dom’s/Domme’s life so it’s important for the Dom/Domme to reaffirm that they love them, cherish them, and are proud of them.

You and your Daddy can also create an aftercare kit. Here’s an example of some items that you might see in one:
Here are some things you might like to consider including in your aftercare kits taken from Briarthornblog  that I didn’t mention above:
* large bottle of water (for both drinking and washing, if theres no tap handy)
* high energy sports drink
* energy food: chocolate bars / dried fruit / nuts / biscuits
* ice packs
* small first aid kit containing bandaids, vaseline, betadine, pain tablets, regular medications
* warm cotton socks
* very soft plush blanket (I adore Brookstone’s NAP range for softness)
* vitamin E oil: “The pure, edible kind with no scents or mineral oil added. It’s great for wound healing and for the general drying out of the skin that can happen during a scene, as well” (Carrie Ann)

You or Daddy/Mommy having a bad day? Here's how you can help

  • Bake cookies together and decorate them.
  • Put on their favorite movie and watch it with them.
  • Play a game together.
  • Cook their favorite food for dinner.
  • Go on a walk together and enjoy eachother’s presence and the beauty of nature.
  • Take a bubble bath together. Don’t forget your favorite rubber ducky or Lush bath bombs.
  • Write a little note. It can funny, cute, or lovey-dovey. It’s up to you.
  • Increase the amount of hugs and kisses that day.
  • Cuddles!
  • Help your little play dress up and take pictures of them in their outfits. Look over them together at the end and keep your favorites.
  • Look at funny things online together.
  • Make love. Remember to ask first and respect their disinterest at that time. Not everyone is in the mood to play while under stress.
  • Be supportive and empathetic.
  • Take your little out to an empty playground.
  • Meditate together and listen to calming music.
  • Offer advise.
  • Give your little a make over. You both can laugh at the results at the end.
  • Draw, color, or paint something together.
  • Give them space if needed.
For littles:
Remember that Daddies and Mommies are people too and that means they can have bad days at work or just feel relatively down. On these days you will need to to be a big girl or boy and be less demanding as a little. Think about how you’d want to be treated if you’re having a bad day. Always ask if there’s anything you can do to help, but feel free to offer ideas to distract them from their issue. Realize that not all Daddies and Mommies are the same, some  will want their little to give them extra attention that day while others prefer solitude to deal with whatever’s going on; understand that both of these are perfectly okay and normal.

For Daddies and Mommies:
Remember that your little is much more sensitive and requires more attention and love than other women or men. This goes without saying but spoil them a bit more with affection and attention; you need to heal both the inner child and the big. Do more things together, especially things that interest your little. You want to make them feel happier than their current state. If you and your little’s dynamic includes some sort of servitude or 1950’s lifestyle, give them a break that day. They can carry on with chores tomorrow. Reassure them that it’s okay to have bad days and that no matter what, you’re still going to love them and be there for them.
Remember that while you may not be able to solve the problem or completely cheer up your Daddy or little, it’s the effort and thought that counts; it shows you care.