Monday, March 6, 2017

You Ask and I Worry

You ask, "Why can I not express my feelings and frustrations to you without you worrying that it's going to be the end?"

I wish I had an answer, Master. I wish I could give you a clear, cut response that you can fathom and we can work on. But the truth is, I'm not there yet, only at possible ideas.

It's not that you can't express your feelings. I want you to. I want to know if your needs are being met and if there's things I need to work on. But it's so hard not to fear the worst; not to think that things are only good or bad, with no in between. I have faulty thinking habits and I'm aware of them when it comes to anxiety, but I've yet to put them in practice with us.

I have a strong fear of abandonment and I still can't put my finger on the root of this in our relationship. Perhaps it's because of the part of the large portion of my life that you hold. I feel so fragile despite being mended, but fear of losing anyone is something I can't shake off. And fear of losing you has become one of my biggest fears.

It's been addressed in therapy since Nan, but I think it's only getting worse. My worth is determined by the presence of others around me and how they view me. By losing people I feel like I've failed them. The thought of losing you is not terrible in a sense that it would kill me, because I could manage. But when I have something as great as you in my life who brings me happiness, love, and laughter it's hard to imagine just how things would be without you. And I think even that uncertainty scares me.

I feel like I constantly have to ask stupid questions because uncertainty scares me."Are you mad at me?" "Am I annoying you?" "Are you tired of me?" "Are you going to leave me?"
I know they're tiring and aggravating and I feel so embarrassed asking them but it's almost like a safety net compulsion. Without clear yes or no, I feel like I'm left to wonder on my own which once again leans to the worst possible outcome.



Sunday, February 12, 2017

Hello 2017

Hi everyone,

I don't come on here too often anymore despite being very active in the lifestyle. I still get a decent amount of comments on here monthly, so I guess this page has become a resource page. It probably is due for a revamp on articles. I don't really offer advice too much anymore on any of my online spaces, I really don't feel like I'm knowledgeable enough and I have a history of being somewhat elitist (in my opinion).

These days I spend much of my time doing lifestyle art on Instagram. I mainly draw DD/lg (CG/l), ABDL, and petplay but I branch out from time to time. Drawing a lifestyle that I love and connect to makes drawing even more fun than before. I have a drive to draw on a weekly basis (sometimes more) and get my creative juices flowing. Plus it puts me into the right headspace especially when I interact in comments.

You can find me on:
https://www.instagram.com/ddlgdoodles/

As of the past year I think I've found a happy equilibrium for my roles. Over the years I've argued with myself whether or not to put my focus on being a little or being a pet. Well I primarily identify as a pet now but my little side meshes with it really well. It turns out I'm a cute baby pup. Who would've guessed? ;)

I'm beginning to explore a younger age range for myself when it comes to my little side. ABDL items have been calling my attention lately beyond pacis. I have a couple of onesies so far from Onesiesdownunder and Littleforbig. I'm also looking into wearing diapers which is not something I ever imagined I'd be saying.

I'll start posting some reviews here in the future and video versions which will be found on Youtube.

Take care everyone and see you soon!

Wednesday, February 17, 2016

DD/lg vs Ageplay: Revamped

This post is being a remake of The Difference Between DD/lg and Ageplay, which screams of overly edgy writing of a teen. I apologize for the condescending nature of it and how poorly written it is. With this I hope to provide a better understanding of the two as seperate entities as well as explain the overlap.

For many beginners coming in DD/lg, there is some confusion about the two and whether or not they exist together. I've come across many littles who are afraid to openly identify as a little due to the idea that you must regress (ageplay) to be a little. If you've come here with that misconception, take a deep breath, smile, and rest assured because you'll be happy to hear that this is not true.

What is DD/lg?

DD/lg, also known as CG/l and Big/little, is a subset of D/s. Each branch of D/s is different but they hold many similarities, such as a Dominant partner, a submissive partner, a power exchange, and some established rules. DD/lg's focus in terms of D/s is mimicking the role of a parental figure. This doesn't always necessarily mean the little wants to act like a child but may simply want more structure and guidance in their relationship from their partner.

If you'd like a more in depth explanation, you can check out this blogpost.

What is a little?

The term little serves as a wide range of identifities and behaviorisms. As mentioned above a little is simply the submissive-equivalent in a DD/lg relationship. A little can be any age, gender, or sexual orientation; they are simply more in touch with their inner-child.  This means that they may naturally behave slightly younger than their apparent age. For example, a certain type of little, a middle, is one wants tobe treated and disciplined more like a preteen or teen.

What is Ageplay?

Ageplay is a fetish, sometimes even a lifestyle, for kinksters. It is a form of roleplaying that relies on the individual acting out as a child, also known as regression. It can be sexual or non-sexual depending on the person's reason for regression and their comfort level. For many ageplayers regression is a stress-free state that acts as a retreat from adult reponsibilities, stress, and concerns. Regression may take form in behavior, mannerisms, interest in activities, and/or appearance.

Ageplay can exist with or without a partner. Many ageplayers can regress on their own and are comfortable without having their partner get involved. There are other ageplayers who need a partner who can roleplay with them and take on the parental role (without dominance), providing them with the care and attention needed for their age group. I like to call these partners as caregivers.

Like DD/lg, there are different age groups that one can act out: ABDL, little, and middle/teen. Similarly a caregiver can engage in ageplay, where they may roleplay as a parental figure that is older than their age. A division of ageplay called ABDL (adult baby/diaper lover) focuses more an infantile state. For many this includes the use of diapers, bibs, baby bottles, cribs, and so on. If they have a caregiver they may ask of them to change their diapers, tuck them into their bed or crib, serve them dinner.

Ageplay can also exist simply as dress up. While it's not a roleplay that will take carry on into a lifestyle or everyday routine, it is a form of visual roleplaying. For example in the bedroom, some couples engage in roleplay such as the naughty school girl, where one partner will dress up in a school uniform and behave as a naughty teen. Another example who be sissification, a practice where a grown man is ordered to crossdress, normally in very frilly and childish dresses, as a form of humiliation.

The Similarities:

One of the biggest reasons for confusion are the titles involved:
  • Caregiver vs caregiver:
    • A Caregiver is now the gender neutral blanket term for a Dominant partner that takes part in DD/lg, hence the name CG/l. Because DD/lg includes more parental Dominant figures than just Daddy, this was put in place for those who do not feel included. Note the capital "c" in Caregiver, in the lifestyle this shows others that you are a Dominant partner.
    • A caregiver is also the term for an ageplayer's partner who participates in the roleplay. They are not interested in a power exchange and do not consider themselves a Dominant.
  • Both can exist as non-sexual.
  • Both can exist as a 24/7 lifestyle or only when needed/wanted.
  • Similar childish interests such as, but not limited to, coloring books, cartoon movies, being read to, being fed, etc.
  • Diapers and/or pullups may be worn.
  • Dress up. 
  • Child-like dependability on a partner or trusted person.

The Differences:

The biggest difference is the presence (or lack) of a power exchange. All D/s dynamics have a power exchange included in them. The idea that a power exchange = being a slave and being mistreated is a common misconception; a slave is actually a submissive that is interest in a total power exchange where all of their power and control is given up to their partner. DD/lg is different though and often times more relaxed and the level of control exchanged varies between partners and their comfort level. Even simply setting up a rules and rewards list is an example of a power exchange, where the little has expectations and rules to follow and they can get punished for not being responsible.

An ageplayer may have rules to follow, such as a healthy diet and keeping up with hygiene, but they may not be discplined for not keeping up with these. The disciplinary action is another example an exchange of control and dominance.

If a power exchange is present, you are most likely a little.
If no power exchange is present or you're not interested in one, you are more likely an ageplayer.

Questions to Ask Yourself:

  • Is being a little something that comes natural?
    • Do you feel the need to roleplay? The former is an ageplay trait.
    • Or Are you comfortable with your age while taking part in "little" activities? This is the trait of a little.
    • Can you identify a specific age when you hit little space? This tends to be an ageplay trait. A little who does not engage in ageplay has no need to specify an age to identify as.
  • Are you submissive?
    • Do you enjoy "serving" your partner in return for control, guidance, and care? This is a trait of a (submissive) little.
    • Do you enjoy having some level of control in your life held by your partner? Do you want your Big to tell you what you can eat, when you can use the bathroom, and have a bedtime? This is a trait of a (submissive) little.
  • Do you feel that you're not happy with your role as a little unless you dress and look younger?
    • It's important to note that if you have an interest in diapers, this can be a fetish on its own and does not automatically make you an ageplayer.
  • Do you talk in "little speak"? This is a trait shared by ageplayers and ageplaying littles.

The Overlap: Can these exist together? Can they exist separately?

Yes! It's very common for ageplay to exist with DD/lg, since they are so similar and they mesh well. For many littles, myself included, ageplaying helps me fulfilling my role as a little. I reach little space easier if I'm acting the part and indulging in these activities. My little space is also a safe place for me to escape to after a long day as an adult.

No right way to be a little:

If you don't engage in ageplay you can still be a little, and it doesn't make you any less of one. You are more familiar with yourself and if you feel like a babygirl, babyboy, or little then no one can say otherwise. You don't need diapers. You don't need to use little speak either. Your role as a little is not dependent on proving to others by looking the part, but it's how you see yourself, what you want from a relationship, and your interest in the dynamic.







5 Years with You


Five and a half  years ago I met an amazing man. If you ask him he'll insist that he's nothing special but he doesn't see himself through my eyes. 

Five years ago I was saved from an abusive relationship. While he was not the sole reason for my departure from that relationship, he was part of my support. I remember I would vent to him when things were going wrong and I began to realize that relationship could not be salvaged. At some point my ex messaged him and "handed" me over like I was something volatile or toxic, not realizing my emotions were part of the abuse he put me through. But that didn't scare Daddy away, instead he gave me a chance.

Five years ago I was introduced to how D/s should be - Dominance and submission through love, not through manipulation, demands, and threats. He took my health and well-being into consideration before making an serious changes in our relationship, even if I was head over heels and ready to jump right in.

When I look at him, I see love, growth, happiness, and a promising future. I've never felt like "simply an online" relationship, several months in I knew I wanted to meet him and be with him. And now that we've met and stayed with each other in person for weeks and months at a time, I've never been so sure of it. The next few years will be tough as we figure out the details of the move, but I know it'll be worth it.

Daddy do you remember?

  • I first told you I had a crush on you. I was so shy about it and asked advice on how to tell someone I liked them.
  • You used to Skype with me as I'd take a nap. You'd keep an eye on me and talk to me until I drifted off.
  • When I first asked you if I could call you Daddy instead of Master. I was so afraid of that word and intimidated of it thanks to my ex.
  • You watched after me when I got sick after the first antidepressant that was prescribed to me.
  • When I first started working on the journal.
  • When I brought the laptop to the kitchen during a Skype call to make Madartej together.
  • The hilarious conversations we had on IRC with our friends and they shipped us.
  • I made my first blog and how it went through several names: alittlekitty, daddysfuckbunny, daddys-doll.
  • How I used to write little tidbits of our Skype dates or conversations on our blog to look back on.
  • I sent you your first care package and how excited I was when you received it.
  • We would play chess and Words with Friends on Facebook. You always kicked my ass in those.
  • When you drew me as a cute puppy girl.
  • How you taught me about sex and pleasure. You always made sure that during out playdates that I felt good.
  •  How I first pictured our meeting (years before it happened), which was more of less accurate.
  • You used to call me Curly, Tumblie, and Anon's lil sister.
  • I called you Zero and Anon.
  • The first time I drew a chibi of us. You said "I'm not cute" and that phrase has stuck with us whenever I draw you.
  • We used to look at expensive made dresses for me on Milkyang.
  • I would do special pictures for you on Valentine's Day and our anniversary.
  • When we first met at the airport. You were too shy of kissing me first because you didn't want to overwhelm me.... Buuut I kissed you anyways to assure you that it was okay.
  • Our first sushi date together.
  • How you'd complain I look like "such a tourist" when I'd take pictures of everything in Budapest.
  • How I'd cook for you and serve you almost every meal. I love cooking for you even though some of my creations were a dud.
  • The first time you tied me up and how gosh darn cute I looked.
  • How you'd choose outfits for me when I was visiting or for photos I would take.
  • I convinced you to make a DD/lg blog.
  • Also Kitten and I temporarily ran a blog together for you and tried to insist that you use it too.
  • We read Uzumaki together and became fans of Junji Ito.
  • We read Homestuck together.
  • You also introduced me to Touhou which was a bad wonderful idea.
  • We would also play so often that we'd initiate little competitions together to see who could get the farthest in the games.
  • You used to give me weekly funishment spankings and I would yelp and wiggle during them.
  • I went from kitty, to bunny, and finally a puppy... Not that I don't have moments where I feel like I'm the others.
  • You were nervous about meeting my family and thinking you wouldn't get along with them. Spoiler alert: you did.
  • Goshujin-sama!
  • You would give me random inspections.
  • All the times you ordered me to go out in public commando or would randomly ask me to remove my panties and carry on with my day.
These are only a few of the many we have, and these are just the top of my head, and we have so many more to come.

Life with you is fun. You make me so happy.

So Daddy, will you be mine forever?

Sunday, January 3, 2016

The Servitude of a Live-In Maid

It's a wonderful feeling to be fulfilling my servitude duties. You've never been too strict about them when I was visiting, even though I had promised from the beginning of our relationship that I would cook and clean for you.

In your mother's house it was a bit awkward but I did my best to pitch in. In my house, it feels natural. I'll be honest, most of the time I hate cleaning my house, especially when family complains about the mess, but for you I do it in a heart beat.

Before you arrived I worked my ass off cleaning my houses. I went on a massive cleaning spree but I didn't mind even afted you said I didn't have to do it for you. Afterall, we both have similar living habits and aren't the most organized, but I wanted to make things look nice and presentable because that's what you deserve.

I adore waking up every morning and being asked to make you breakfast. You seem to like whatever I make, even if it involves an ingredient that you've never tried before like when I made egg and chorizo. I always serve you before I serve myself because it feels right.

While I'm cooking lunch or dinner, it's nice to give you tastes of what I'm cooking and get feedback on the taste. You're always honest but most of the time you're satisfied with how it is. And cleaning up after you is never a hassle. Sometimes you offer to help but I insist that I do it.

Beyond cooking, I remember the first night you arrived at my house after an oversea flight and you wanted to shower. You asked if I could prepare your clothes for the evening before you dried off. Most of the time I'm used to bathing with you and washing your body but we've been doing things a bit different this time and I like it too.


Wednesday, December 9, 2015

Transition

Last year I had made a post announcing that I has finally decided that I would be transitioning. At the time we were set on the idea of enlarging my clit with with a topical cream that had some male hormones. I never did get around to buying it or even seeing how I could get my hands on it, since I think the one we looked at was not recommended by the FDA.

I had been a little unsure about it too. It sounded like the right idea for me, but it lacked some important details that I'd want from a transition:

  • At best it'd make my clit grow a few inches. That's pretty great but at the end of the day, it's still an oversized clit, not a penis.
  • It can't function like a penis. Two to three inches is hardly enough to play with. It would make it a lot easier to stroke, especially since I get off easily via clit stimulation, but I don't think I'd be able to penetrate a future partner.
I had been peeking around Bad Dragon a lot the past month looking to buy a new toy, but I also found out they sell packers. I had brought up the idea of buying one and that's when Daddy (always thinking about me) suggested looking into a ftm prosthetic. I had no idea such a thing existed outside of bottom surgery, so I had never considered it especially since I don't want to fully transition to a man and go through that diagnostic process.

I came across FreeToM and began browsing around their site. I was amazed by their packers, they looked realistic in shape and texture, and you could get them professionally painted to make them look even more realistic. It looked perfect and I should Daddy, being all super excited about this. He began poking around more and noticed they had more than just packers, they sold STP ones and, better yet, 4-in-1 prosthetics.

The 4-in-1 basically allows a person to pack, pee, play, and gain pleasure through the prosthetic and be able to do what cis men do. While quite a bit more than the simple packers, these prosthetics give me what I want without having to worry about bottom surgery that I'd probably never be able to afford. And what I also really like are the different styles and sizes available, which is great because I've been dreaming of having an uncircumsized penis.

I'm probably looking at $300 for the piece, that covers the prosthetic and realistic paint job, and I'd still need a harness. I think it'll be worth it though and the fact that Daddy supports me and even brought up this idea means the world to me. 




Monday, August 3, 2015

Feeling Less Little

Even though I'm still pretty active in DD/lg communities, I've been noticing a shift in interest and roles in our dynamic. When I'm with him, I definitely feel more like a pet (puppy girl).

I'm honestly not sure how I feel about it either but I remind myself that I shouldn't be concerned with labels. I'm happy with both roles, they fit me well, but I feel like I'm abandoning my little side. I look at myself as a little and compare myself to others and I don't feel like I quite match up anymore. I do have little interests but I lack a lot of things that I see are really common traits.

It's funny because when newbies confront me about this observation, I reassure them that being a little is more than just how you appear and present yourself online. But I'm feeling more and more pressured to present myself a certain way or not be taken seriously. I have no interest in baby talk or acting like a spoiled brat. I also really like the idea of having more rules and rituals, but none of them (or my current rules) really match up with what a parental-figure would give, which is how a lot of rules are placed for littles. Both of us see no point in food restrictions, bed times, potty limitations, and stuff like that.

I guess it also doesn't help that I don't feel like I fit in in the community, at least the Tumblr one. Aside from my personal issues with it, I don't think I act "little enough", and faking a little persona is the last thing I want to do. I guess a disconnection with the community has probably added to this.

On the flip side, my girlfriend is a new little and we eagerly look forward to having little play dates together when I get back home and visit her. I also still call my Dom "Daddy" most of the time and have some little tendencies when we're out and about. He seems to be fine with me taking on either role, so I'm not worried about that. I'm hoping that I can find a happy balance that suits me and my relationships.