Friday, January 23, 2015

How do I take punishments with respect?

Wednesday night I misbehaved and got on Daddy's last nerves. I had accused him of some things due to a misunderstanding and by the time I realized this and said sorry, it was too late. He told me He was going to bed. I hate when either of U/us goes to bed mad at the other, so I called Him on Skype a couple times. I should know better by now that He hates that, but I really wanted to talk things out. He got fed up and told me I was going to have a day of time out.

Normally I can take a punishment fine. I have no problem with spankings, writing prompts, or given a small timeout; however, an entire day was another story. And to make things worse, He was going to be out this weekend for a roleplay session so He said, "I'll see you Sunday." I couldn't handle not being able to talk to Him for that long, it made me panic. This is a fair punishment that we agreed on for me years back, so it's definitely not my first one but they're very rare for me. However fair the punishment is though, that doesn't mean I like it. For example, I love spankings but I hate punishment spankings.

Thursday night I went to sleep and up until noon Thursday I handled it fine, I guess because I was able to sleep it off. And then it hit me - my damn insecurities. I couldn't keep myself busy so my mind wandered and one of the first thoughts in my head was, "What if during this weekend He finds that He enjoys the silence better than having me around? What if He leaves me?" I tried for a while to silence this and remind myself that it was just a punishment but it became too much... So I texted Him, and I got not reply. From there I thought, "What if He's not replying because He's actually thinking on it?" and that didn't make it any easier on me. Long story short, through out the day I kept texting Him or messaging Him on Skype.

My punishment ended last night and I was able to talk with Him before W/we both went to bed. I was able to call Him and give Him a good night kiss, I was still pretty upset though (and sick) so I sounded really down. He reminded me that He loves me and said sorry for having to use this punishment. In my mind it's hard to believe that people aren't doing things to purposely hurt me and unfortunately Daddy is not exempt from this thought.

I don't know how more experienced subs can take punishments. I really hate to be a bad girl and create a fuss, but how do I properly calm myself down during these and just take it - no texting/messaging or calling Him until my punishment is over. I'm lucky that I didn't get it extended longer since I annoyed Him so much yesterday. Despite being trained and owned, I still have a lot to learn as a sub and it brings me down.

Friday, January 16, 2015

Daddy's Markings

Daddy has unintentionally made me interested in body modification. He's never expressed going for girls with tattoos and piercings, I mean he feels neutral about them. Before I met him, I remember I wanted my lip pierced but that was as far as I'd go... Maybe belly button. Since my relationship I've found myself wanting more intimate piercings such as clit hood and nipples. Aside from piercings we have our own ideas of marking tattoos to show ownership over me.

Observe my self portrait:

This is missing a few things but it's pretty spot on.
For the longest time I've wanted my areolae tattooed into skin-colored hearts. I remember first seeing this on Tumblr in 2011, a really pretty cam model had it done and I fell in love with the idea. This one isn't so much of a marking, more of a personal one.

Speaking of breasts, like I mentioned above, I want my nipples pierced. I could've had it done recently but I chickened out after hearing how bad the pain was; I didn't want to get it done alone in the parlor. I have lots of cute jewelry ideas for my nipples:

One of my markings is the puppy paw print on my mound. The idea for this one came to Daddy as my puppy girl side has grown stronger. It's a reminder that I'm not only a puppy but his puppy. I've drawn this one on myself a few times with black henna and I loved how it turned out, so I'm very eager about having this one done.

My very first body mod (that's not pictured) was my clit hood piercing. I got it done Wednesday and it turned out really cute. It's a vertical one and I'm hoping to get jewelry like this for it:
This looks like it's more suited for a belly button (I could be wrong, I'm pretty new to all this) but you get the idea - I want a bar with a hoop below it. I call this one my slutty piercing just for giggles.

Also not pictured is another marking and was the first one we thought of for me years ago. We're still a little undecided about how to have this done, but we want something along the lines of a wolf bite mark or scratch on my shoulder. I'm really picky about how I'll have this done because I don't want it to look like a vampire bite or the scratch marks end up looking cheesy or like shit. I also can't decide if I want the scratches to be plain black gashes or if it them to look like they're actually cuts in my skin with some blood.

I had an interesting conversation with my ex-girlfriend about body mods and D/s relationships. She had asked me if my Daddy had chosen my piercings for me and I told her that they my decisions, but he supported them and encouraged them. For her and her Master, she told me that having her nipples and clit pierced "represent a commitment and dedication to slavehood" which I found extremely cute.

Friday, January 9, 2015

Love, Sex, and Being Owned

If you've been a reader from the beginning of this blog, you'll know that Daddy and I are a polyamorous couple. We were actually originally a triad, when I met Daddy he already had a girlfriend/pet and I came along. That was my first introduction to polyamory and here I am now, 4 years later, identifying as a poly person. You can read more about my polyamorous adventures under my polyamory tag.

I am very open about my sexuality and needs. Daddy is also very understanding about these needs. He's told me time and time again that if I want to hook up or enter another relationship with someone, as long as it's discussed before hand, it's alright. As much as I've hated to admit it, I like hooking up. I very rarely have sex with guys because my interest in men fluctuates constantly but I adore women. I have a girlfriend that I've been close with for a year now and I have friend that I do camming shows with and Daddy never feels threatened or jealous.

There's a common misconception that polyamory is simply swinging but I like to think of polyamory like this (please click it to see it full-size):
Polyamory at its roots is the ability and opportunity to love multiple people at once, and with this does come sex. How is polyamory not cheating? The answer to that is the fact that there is consent between the partners about the side relationships or sex life. One partner may not want to know all the dirty details of what went on but they agreed and discussed the situation with their partner. Cheating does just the opposite, there is no discussion or consent. The act of cheating is going behind your partner's back. It's a breach of trust and honesty which I believe are core foundations to any relationship.

So I'm having casual sex with a friend, no feelings attached, how does Daddy not get jealous? Does that mean that he's not able to fulfill all my needs? No, he does. Let's put it this way, Daddy is my favorite food but I still enjoy other foods on the side. To compare Daddy to others is like apples and oranges, I enjoy these people in my life for different reasons because they all have something unique to share. Daddy doesn't get jealous because he knows that even if I do sleep with other people, whether I love them or not, there's no threat to his place in my heart or his position in my life. He still has ownership of my heart and my body, that's why I need permission before playing with other people.

Has being in a polyamorous relationship stopped me from fucking up? Unfortunately it hasn't. Miscommunication and misunderstandings have happened in the past, along with other factors. Unfortunately I've cheated on many partners and I suppose old habits die hard, but most of those occurrences were because I fell involve with 2 people at once (one being someone I was dating) and eventually had to make a decision. Had I known about this lifestyle sooner then maybe I would've broken less hearts in the past. But being polyamorous has opened me up to seeing people in a different light and become more comfortable about my feelings and sexuality. This doesn't mean that I look at every person as a potential relationship, but I don't have to feel bad about having crushes or feelings for someone after we've gotten close.

Polyamory gives me freedom. And when I hear about and see successful poly houses it gives me hope. What could be wrong with having multiple people love and care for you the same way that one person does? The more the merrier. And while Daddy and I aren't actively looking for another partner, a succesful triad in the future would be nice and welcomed.

Sunday, January 4, 2015

What is a Middle?

I get a lot of questions asking about what separates a middle from a little. Unfortunately there's not too much information or resources for littles who identify more as a middle, so I'm going to try and help with that.

Typically regression is divided into three sections (youngest to oldest):

  • Adult baby - Infant
  • Little - Toddler to young child
  • Middle - Preteen to teen
Middle age tends to be 12-17. This age range is commonly associated with the terms "lolita", "jailbait", and "nymphet". Even though the titles tend to correspond to women, there are men middles also but not as common. Middles are more mature than littles in behavior, speech, and interests and show personality traits similar to teens. They are more aware of their surroundings, reasoning behind their behavior, seek a bit more independence, and are more aware of their sexual needs and desires. Brattiness may still be exhibited but may show itself more through sarcasm or defying/questioning authority. Despite all this, like most ageplayers, they still require lots of love, care, and support.

Middles' hobbies and interests vary depending on their age since this age range is fairly wide and it's the age range associated with self discovery. While most littles share common interests in little space or regression, middles have a wider range of interests. They possess similar interests common among the age they regress to so this can include video games, drawing, photography, make up, and fashion just to name a few examples. Of course there are also littles who show these interests as well but normally not during regression. Middles are also more likely to show interest in movies and tv series beyond cartoons and Disney. 

Through fashion and discovering their selves there may be more hints of sex appeal during dress-up. They may be more interested in buying clothes that enhance their body's features or match a fetish to appeal to their Daddy, Mommy, caregiver or even strangers online (if they're an exhibitionist). From what I've seen on Tumblr maid dresses, seifukus/Japanese school uniforms, and clothing similar to Dolores Haze are extremely common.

30 Days of Ageplay - Day 15

Has anyone found out that you’re an ageplayer? If not, how would you handle the situation if someone did?

I've had a couple people find out by chance instead of me openly telling them. I've had two friends that came across my blog, read through my personal posts, and then went through my pictures and realized that the blog belongs to me. They actually contacted me about it on Facebook and they were pretty cool about it; no hostility or shaming whatsoever.

So based on these past interactions I'm normally not to concerned anymore with people finding out that I'm a submissive and an ageplayer.

A Note for You

Dear Daddy,

It's funny how before this trip everyone warned me. I know they meant well by saying these because they worry and care about me and I don't blame them, there are people who get screwed over by online relationships. Perhaps I am naive but everyone asked me similar questions: "What if he's nothing like his online persona?" "What if he's abusive?" "What if you simply don't get along?" As much as I didn't want to believe that, I had accepted the fact that these could've been possibilities despite my trust in you. I was firm in my belief that you were honest these past 4 years though. They couldn't have been more wrong though because you were exactly the same in person, if not even sweeter.

On my way there I imagined how I'd react upon walking out of baggage claim and seeing you for the first time. I had envisioned either dropping my stuff and running to you, hugging you tightly; screaming Master or Daddy and having my arms spread apart; or not making a big scene but greeting you with the love and affection we've been waiting for. Unfortunately I'm horrifically awkward and when I saw you walking off the bus I made some silly remark but we walked toward each other, hugged, and shared our first kiss.

You were a wonderful host. While I insisted beforehand that I'd act your little house maid, you told me to relax and enjoy myself because I was a guest. I made some little mistakes when helping cleaning (like when I poured out the bad soup in the sink) but you didn't yell at me, you took care of it and told me for the future how to properly do things. You didn't seem to mind the mess I made in your room with clothes, we just laughed it off and you insisted you were worse. You took care of me and looked out for my well-being. When I got sick you didn't make a fuss, not even when I got you sick too. Instead you took me to the pharmacy to pick up something. You reminded me of daily responsibilities, you set an alarm to remind me every day to take my medicines. As the alarm went off you'd sweetly say, "Medicine time, love." It was absolutely adorable. When I had attacks you didn't get mad at me, you held my hand of rubbed my back and took me away from the area to breathe and calm down. You encouraged me to let my attacks pass and continue to learn to deal with them rather than rely on my medicine unless they got that bad.

You were just excited as I were the day my collar arrived in the mail. I remember you unwrapping it and showing it to me, then doing your sweet and loving speech about your ownership over me as you put the collar on me. When it was time for daily bath, you reminded me to come to you before going so you could take off the collar and then as soon as I got back you'd say, "Aren't you forgetting something, love," and you'd put it back on me.

I couldn't have asked for a better Christmas than one spent with you for the first time. I know in the future that we'll have many more to come and they may be more eventful than how we spent Christmas day, but I had so much fun. I couldn't have asked for a better New Year than spending it with your friends (your family) and feeling accepted among the group. I felt a little bad that everyone had to speak English because of me but it definitely made me feel more included and your friends are great, interesting people.

I loved sight-seeing with you, even if it just meant walking around your hometown. I loved our trips to the center of your town and going to the malls, walking along the river, walking up and down the street, and visiting the Christmas villages. When we were in Budapest I had fun getting lost looking for the teahouse or getting exhausted when walking toward Castle District. I still get a chuckle when I think how we walked up the hill and sat on a park and you remarked that Buda Castle was hard to miss because it's at the top of a hill and I look at the horizon and pointed out, "What about that hill over there? That kind of looks like a castle." Thankfully we were going up the right hill but your reaction was hilarious. And then I laugh even more when I remember that we could've simply take a bus up the hill and saved our breaths, but you know what? It was a great experience and work out. We simply took our time and I enjoyed the buildings around me.

This trip proved our love for each other as well as our compatibility, but more importantly it proved to me that I made the right decision giving myself to you. I know without a doubt that unless we were to extend our pack and bring in a third member, there is no one else that I'd want to spend the next 50+ years of my life with. You are simply amazing and I love you.

Thank you for everything. I can't wait to see you this summer!