Monday, March 6, 2017

You Ask and I Worry

You ask, "Why can I not express my feelings and frustrations to you without you worrying that it's going to be the end?"

I wish I had an answer, Master. I wish I could give you a clear, cut response that you can fathom and we can work on. But the truth is, I'm not there yet, only at possible ideas.

It's not that you can't express your feelings. I want you to. I want to know if your needs are being met and if there's things I need to work on. But it's so hard not to fear the worst; not to think that things are only good or bad, with no in between. I have faulty thinking habits and I'm aware of them when it comes to anxiety, but I've yet to put them in practice with us.

I have a strong fear of abandonment and I still can't put my finger on the root of this in our relationship. Perhaps it's because of the part of the large portion of my life that you hold. I feel so fragile despite being mended, but fear of losing anyone is something I can't shake off. And fear of losing you has become one of my biggest fears.

It's been addressed in therapy since Nan, but I think it's only getting worse. My worth is determined by the presence of others around me and how they view me. By losing people I feel like I've failed them. The thought of losing you is not terrible in a sense that it would kill me, because I could manage. But when I have something as great as you in my life who brings me happiness, love, and laughter it's hard to imagine just how things would be without you. And I think even that uncertainty scares me.

I feel like I constantly have to ask stupid questions because uncertainty scares me."Are you mad at me?" "Am I annoying you?" "Are you tired of me?" "Are you going to leave me?"
I know they're tiring and aggravating and I feel so embarrassed asking them but it's almost like a safety net compulsion. Without clear yes or no, I feel like I'm left to wonder on my own which once again leans to the worst possible outcome.



Sunday, February 12, 2017

Hello 2017

Hi everyone,

I don't come on here too often anymore despite being very active in the lifestyle. I still get a decent amount of comments on here monthly, so I guess this page has become a resource page. It probably is due for a revamp on articles. I don't really offer advice too much anymore on any of my online spaces, I really don't feel like I'm knowledgeable enough and I have a history of being somewhat elitist (in my opinion).

These days I spend much of my time doing lifestyle art on Instagram. I mainly draw DD/lg (CG/l), ABDL, and petplay but I branch out from time to time. Drawing a lifestyle that I love and connect to makes drawing even more fun than before. I have a drive to draw on a weekly basis (sometimes more) and get my creative juices flowing. Plus it puts me into the right headspace especially when I interact in comments.

You can find me on:
https://www.instagram.com/ddlgdoodles/

As of the past year I think I've found a happy equilibrium for my roles. Over the years I've argued with myself whether or not to put my focus on being a little or being a pet. Well I primarily identify as a pet now but my little side meshes with it really well. It turns out I'm a cute baby pup. Who would've guessed? ;)

I'm beginning to explore a younger age range for myself when it comes to my little side. ABDL items have been calling my attention lately beyond pacis. I have a couple of onesies so far from Onesiesdownunder and Littleforbig. I'm also looking into wearing diapers which is not something I ever imagined I'd be saying.

I'll start posting some reviews here in the future and video versions which will be found on Youtube.

Take care everyone and see you soon!